Taking Security Seriously

By: Mike April 13, 2015

Ann Peters is Patty's assistant. She answers phones and emails, runs the web-store, keeps the calendar, and even does the bookkeeping. In short, we don't know how we got along without her for so many years.

When Ann started a few years ago, she asked what the dress code was here. Her former job required her to maintain a very professional appearance, and I happened to know that she has a personal vendetta against pantyhose. Since we were trying to woo her into working here, we made a very simple dress code: cover the naughty bits, and no pantyhose.

She's only goofed up once: she wore pantyhose! We wrote up an official reprimand, which she assures us she filed somewhere. . . Today, however, she came up with an addition to the dress code that I wish we'd have thought of earlier: a tin-foil hat. She claims it has something to do with hair color (she has bright purple tips on her lovely locks), but I suspect she's just thinking ahead and being extra careful. She's good like that.

Ann's stylish (and presumably effective) tin foil hat.

With our government racing to become a surveillance state, the police eavsdropping on cell phones, and every Tom, Dick and Harry on the internet running phishing scams, a little paranoia might just be a good thing.

Ann is privy to everything that goes on here. The secret midnight. . . oops, I shouldn't have said that. And the tax-dodges . . . ahem, I mean accounting details. For goodness sake, she even knows the Facebook password! Worse yet, she reads the early, bug-filled drafts of Patty's work. She could easily dispel the illusion that publishable draft just flows from Patty's keyboard effortlessly. Secrets worth keeping? Indubitably!

Personally, I applaud her initiative in going the extra mile to shield her thoughts from the mind-rays of the government, and safeguard our valuable secrets. Now I need to talk with someone who understands the finer points of tin foil hat technology. Do we need full-head coverage, as opposed to Ann's stylish cap? Does the foil ever wear out from absorbing mind-control rays? Do they overheat, and should we keep a spare one in the fridge for sensitive meetings? Obviously, there are many things I must learn before our next staff meeting!


Now I'm wondering, if I Google "Tin Foil Helmet Technology" will it tip them off? And, who are "they" anyway? Do you suppose they're logging everyone who visits the Wikipedia article on tin foil hats? What if they've seeded the internet with falsified articles in order to sabotage tin foil hat builders? Maybe I should see if there's a tin foil hat plugin for my browser before I go any further. . . Paranoia is a very deep rabbit hole!